If hard times don’t change your view of God, then what is the point of hard times?

She keeps expecting that if God gave her this disease, He’ll also give her the grace to handle it, and He doesn’t. She’s angry and feels cheated, while still trying to find a way to make it better and to live her day-to-day life.

She is wrong. That reviewer is wrong. I didn’t get angry at God. I didn’t.

The quote is from a blog that recently gave a review of my book. Reading reviews of my book is like getting an exclusive peek at the rook card I’m holding up to my forehead. A glimpse of how someone else is viewing me. And sometimes I want to run to them, screaming, “No! That’s not me!”

I never got angry. The tears weren’t tears of anger, they were tears of frustration and confusion and hopelessness.

Everyone is trying to understand pain, and how people react to pain. When hard times came, what should have happened?

• I should have gotten an extra dose of God’s grace
• I should have gotten angry at God
• I should have gotten closer to God
• I should have…….

I don’t know what should have happened, but I didn’t get angry at God, and as far as I can tell I didn’t get any magic grace, or get any closer to God than I would have, had I not gotten sick. That last point is a little hard to figure out. But honestly, I don’t think my sickness changed my relationship with God all that much. I was very very close to Him before I got sick. I was very very close to Him during my sickness. I was very very close to him after the sickness was over. There was always growth in the relationship, but it was a steady thing. The sickness didn’t seem to affect it one way or another.

Why didn’t it?

Should it have?

Everyone seems to think that it should have. Because if hard times don’t change your view of God, then what is the point of hard times?

Honestly, I don’t know. But sometimes, if I dig and dig, trying to find the point, I feel like I miss the point, somehow.

Once I wrote, “sometimes I forget what it’s like to not be sick.”

Well now I forget what it’s like to never have had west nile.

Everything I have done this past year is a result. Redmond and Colorado and Annie and even SMBI. You want to know how it happened that I ended up at SMBI? Really?

Before I got sick I never even considered SMBI. I was going to EBI. But then I went to a sleepover and everyone laughed and laughed. I got out my notebook and wrote, “If you see somebody laughing, that’s not me. Cause nothing is the way it used to be.”

The way I saw it, EBI was a laughing school. SMBI was a sit down and study school. So I began to consider SMBI.

Now I know this is ironic considering the number of times I’ve accidentally laughed out loud in the library this term. So I never really stopped laughing, I just began laughing for different reasons.

I know I’ve changed. Me, Emily Smucker. I’ve changed deep inside. I look at life differently. It sounds like a good thing, but it isn’t always. Sometimes it is.

But what would I be if west nile had never touched me? That’s the part I can’t see anymore. I could at the beginning. I saw everything my life would be were it not for west nile, and I wanted it very badly. But the more west nile wrapped it’s tentacles around my life, the more it just became my life, and I couldn’t exactly tell what would have happened otherwise.

When it comes to pain, everyone has a theory. Some theories make sense to me, some don’t. If you have a good theory on why pain happens, feel free to comment.

But I don’t have a theory yet. I can’t figure it out. I can see good that has come out of my sickness, and I can see bad that has come out of it. I can’t see what would have happened had it never happened.

Sometimes it feels like I’m digging and digging to find the point, and because of that, I’m missing the point.

ugly dresses, awkward moments, and unknown names

I guess since this is such a short week the entire student population decided to cram as much into it as possible. I’m not just talking about evenings filling up rapidly with videos for BCF class and Reading and Study skills class, or hurriedly trying to finish up my persuasive speech. I’m talking about blog-worthy things happening.

Monday us girls had an ugly dress day, and then in the evening we transformed, dressing in fancy dresses and having a tea party. It was so much fun that we decided Tuesday would be fancy dress day.

Then, today, all the guys decided to have a weird hair day.

Yesterday I had one of those moments that I keep thinking back on and laughing about. It happened during choir practice. There are only five students besides me who are not in choir, so it’s usually pretty dead around. I snagged this moment to do my cleaning job.

So I, wearing a bright pink dress (it was fancy dress day, you will remember) and carrying two tea cups that I intended to take to the kitchen to wash, trotted down the stairs. Then, all of the sudden, bam! There was a boy beside me.

It was John, one of the 5 not in choir, a quiet guy that I don’t talk to much. He apparently was coming up the hall from the library while I was coming down the stairs, so that when the stairs ended we were all of the sudden striding along side by side.

It was so random and awkward that I burst out laughing. “Hi,” I said, in a “this is so random and awkward” voice.

John gave a little swagger. “Hi,” he said, in an “It’s so nice to meet you” voice.

OK….

The hall ended. In front of us were the wide open double doors of the gym, where virtually the entire student body was standing, facing us, practicing choir. Yes, that whole ordeal had happened in front of everyone, as though we were on stage.

I turned to the right to go to the kitchen. He turned to the right to go who knows where. We walked off stage together.

You know what else happened this week? Well, it started last Friday. Aunt Barb left me a voice mail about coming to her place for Thanksgiving, and saying that there were two guys coming that direction who I could maybe catch a ride with. Jerin Bender and Jeff Kanagy.

I knew who Jerin was, but I didn’t know which guy was Jeff. I know that sounds really lame, but I really haven’t put forth a huge effort to get everyone’s names down. Plus I’d been sick for a week.

However, for some reason I didn’t feel terribly comfortable snagging Jerin and asking for a ride. I don’t know why, some people are just more awkward to talk to than others. So I didn’t get that done until Sunday evening, and guess what Jerin said. “Uh, I’m not sure if we’re going past or not. You’ll have to talk to Jeff. I’m riding with him.”

Um, great…

I had been trying all weekend to figure out which guy was Jeff, but now I tried harder. There was one guy who I thought might be Jeff, and he showed up in my Reading and Study skills class. I had never really noticed him before, but lo and behold, we didn’t have a roll call, so that didn’t help me much.

At supper time I snagged Kayla. “You have to sit by me and show me which guy is Jeff,” I said. So we found a seat near the back where we could watch everyone, and figured out who Jeff was. Then I pointed out all the guys that I didn’t know their names, and asked Kayla to tell me what their names were. So now I know.

Well I talked to Jeff and got the ride. I am happy. But would you believe, I have a third story to tell about.

Yesterday Kayla decided to take a shower. She opened the curtain and screamed. There was something dead in there.

It was a fox, skinned and hanging from the shower head.

Dorm 5 was declaring war on dorm 6.

I’m just kidding. About the dorms declaring war, that is. What actually happened was this: The son of the music teacher trapped a fox, killed it, and skined it. Some boys apparently stole it, and some girls volunteered to take it to the girl’s dorm and play the joke.

The school was in an uproar. I was in the corner, writing my Mennonite Bible School novel in my head.

A dead fox in the shower? Seriously?

So many things to write about, so little time. Will you get a new blog post soon? Who can tell?

The Speech

Today in speech class it was the day to give persuasive speeches. Chris’ turn came. He got up front and said, “…um…”

I burst out laughing because “um” was about the lamest introduction possible. I know that sounds really mean. So I stopped laughing.

“Um,” Chris continued, “the, uh, procrastination, um, um, um, is…bad.”

He stumbled around in this manner, and no one quite knew what to think. Then suddenly he straightened up, made some comment about how “this is what happens when you procrastinate,” and everyone burst out laughing.

Chris tried to continue, but everyone was laughing and he was laughing and things were getting nowhere. Then all of the sudden there was a stick in his hands. Huh?!? Where had that come from?

Oh. He pulled it off the front of the podium. We just about died laughing.

It was terrible. Brian, the teacher, was laughing just as hard or harder than the rest of us.

Chris paced back and forth. He coughed. “Procrastination is bad,” he said, and gave some reasons for it. Someone tittered. We all laughed. Chris laughed. Brian laughed.

Somehow the speech ended. The point of the speech was, “don’t procrastinate.” Because apparently Chris had chosen his speech topic the night before.

Em’s schedule and stuff

Emily’s daily schedule:

6:45ish-10:00ish—Sleep, wake up when people enter or exit the room, sleep some more, eat some breakfast, sleep sleep sleep.

10:00ish-10:45—Wake up suddenly, realizing I have a class soon. Get dressed. Swallow lots of pills. Stumble down to class.

10:45-12:15—Sit in class with head resting against the wall.

12:15-2:00—Stumble back up the stairs and into bed. Eat some lunch. Fall asleep.

2:00-2:30—Wake up. Oh no, I have class soon. Swallow lots of pills. Stumble down to class.

2:30-4:00—Sit in class with head resting against the wall.

4:00-7ish—Stumble back upstairs to bed. Sleep and sleep.

7ish—eat some supper

Rest of evening—Lie in bed feeling miserable, wonder around feeling miserable, study.

Sometimes I want to laugh at myself because of course, of course this was going to happen. Bible School is basically a germ factory and I am basically a sickness magnet so do the math, people. I don’t regret coming here but I’m beginning to think that it’s a good thing it happened so spur of the moment or else I would have realized how stupid of an idea it was and baled out.

Now something more lighthearted:

Last night a girl named Beth said, “Hey, you know know how the guys get the library on Wednesday nights? You know what we should do? We should all get on the top bunks and jump off at the exact same time so it would be like, “BOOM!”

So we did. Well I didn’t. I have a strange fear of leaping off of top bunks. But there were some loud booms and then more loud booms cause some girls in some other room were apparently just jumping up and down over and over again and then it was over and I never heard what the guys thought or even if there were any guys in the library to hear us.

I haven’t been coming down to the library much. Hopefully my schedule kind of explains it. I guess I never came out and said that I’ve been struggling with sickness, but I have. The result? I haven’t been posting like I promised.

Sorry.

I’m so excited!!!

Folks listen, I am here. I am at Starbucks, not to drink coffee (ick) but to GET ON THE INTERNET FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE I’VE GOTTEN HERE.

Well, really I should be working on my speech on why people fall in love at Bible School cause even though I’m not giving it till Monday I wrote on my reading and study skills calendar that I’d get it done by Friday so if I don’t my reading and study skills grade will get docked.

Guess what I just did, guys? I totally changed my password so that I can email posts to Mom and she can post them. I’m so excited. There have been a million things I’ve wanted to blog about, like the above mentioned speech or the speech class associated with it or reading and study skills class or my BCF class or the people I’m meeting or….a gazillion things.

I decided before I came that I had to write everything down because I have an idea for a Bible School novel which may never happen but at the same time I’m trying to write everything down. So I kind of have the reputation of carrying a notebook around everywhere and writing down people’s quotes. Cliff, the administrator who let me in, is always making little remarks about me quoting him on my blog site. But I haven’t been able to do any of that because I HAVEN’T HAD ANY INTERNET ACCESS except, of course, for email.

My email address is Jemilys@gmail.com. Please email me if you want to contact me in any way.

Man, there are so many things I want to say that I don’t know where to start. So I will say this: stay tuned.

STAY TUNED PEOPLE!

And on that note, goodbye.

I’m going!

In the Denver airport at this moment, heading to Pittsburgh! SMBI, here I come!

SMBI, tomorrow?

Last night, around midnight.

Me: Man, you know how I was gonna apply to go to SMBI second term and then didn’t after all, cause I was so sick? I wish now I would have. It would have worked so perfectly. I’m done with my schoolwork and Annie and don’t have anything to do.

Dad: Well why don’t we call them in the morning and ask if they have any openings?

Me: Seriously?!!?

Dad: When does it start?

Me: Like, three days.

Dad: Oh. Well, I’ll call and see.

Next Morning

Dad: Do you have any openings?

Headmaster: actually, yes, we have one woman’s opening. Fax in your application.

!!!

Yes. So as long as I get accepted, I’ll be flying to SMBI tomorrow morning. Pray, people!

Moving Back to Oregon

I cannot imagine how someone could even begin to keep track of my life. I keep moving here and there and everywhere. Now what? After all my sojourning, it looks like I’ll be moving back to Oregon.

I don’t understand why I’m hanging on to Colorado so bad. I have 18-year roots in Oregon, and pulling them up was as easy as can be. And now, I can’t even fathom pulling up 8-month roots.

But it’s over. Unless a job unexpectedly falls in my lap this week, I’ll leave in nine  days.

If I get sick in Oregon I don’t have the slightest idea what I will do.

A wedding dress was falling apart at the seams and had a broken zipper. It was too big for me. For a long time it just sat in my cupboard and I wasn’t sure what I was going to do with it. But the other night I ripped it up.

I felt like Cinderella’s evil stepsisters. I just ripped. Then I took a needle and thread and began sewing lace and fluff back on in random haphazard patterns.

The reason I told you that is because it is so hard to try and explain my feelings right now. So I thought maybe if you can imagine the feelings that would cause someone to rip up a wedding dress you can imagine my feelings. But maybe that isn’t exactly true, cause I’m not divorced and my fiance didn’t dump me at the alter or anything.

I always think I would like  to have a complicated life instead of a boring life and then when it gets complicated it is complicated in all the wrong ways.

Hillary knows how to write a letter

My cousin Hiillary and I don’t really text each other or keep up on facebook or even email, but sometimes we write letters to each other. And I have to say, Hillary knows how to write a letter.

There it was, in the mailbox. A bright green envalope with white paper doilies glued to it, a row of rainbow colored dot stickers, “Inside: your fortune” written in smudged red letters, and a penciled message talking about how she thought she had mailed it but then later she found it tucked in a book.

This was all before I opened the envalope.

Inside was not one, but three letters, along with a tea bag, a special blend of tea that’s supposed to make you feel creative. And there was this plastic fish that curls up when you put it in your hand. The way it moves is supposed to indicate your fortune. According to the dumb fish I’m “false.”

That was what the whole “inside: your fortune” thing was about. Hillary has taken to making up fortunes and telling them to people for extra cash. She wrote that she likes to say things like, “a sticky note lying on the ground will tell you the answer to your question,” cause then they go around picking up every piece of paper they find on the ground.

Oh and there was this paper where she had drawn poets with interesting faces.

Yeah. It was an awesome letter. This post doesn’t have a whole lot of point, except that Hillary knows how to write a letter. It inspires me to write interesting letters.

Now, why don’t you go write a letter to someone you know, or maybe three letters, and throw in a few interesting things. I bet it will make their day.

I am done!!

Done with my schoolwork. Almost done with Annie. Maybe even done with Colorado.

I finished up my schoolwork yesterday. Do you hear me? It is DONE. Not everything is scored so my diploma is not yet in hand, but it is done.

Tonight is the last time I’m working backstage at Annie. Then Sunday is the last performance, but I’m watching it.

I was gonna watch it friday, but I switched to Sunday, and oh my word there was drama at the drama.

It started with a lack of communication, and no one quite sure who would take over for me when I took my day off. Whenever I was asked I said that I thought Katie could do it, since Katie helped me with one of the quick changes already. I know I talked to her once about it, but it was a while ago and she doesn’t remember. Anyway, I thought she would just sort of take it upon herself  to learn the changes, but she didn’t, so at the Wednesday practice I asked her if I could teach her the changes.

Well she was a bit confused, because she didn’t remember ever being informed that she was supposed to take over for me on my day off. She agreed to do it though, but then later she told me that there were few enough people doing scene changes that they needed her, and they’d find someone else to do the changes by the next day.

Frankly, I was a bit worried. I had one practice to train someone it, and I was sure I’d sit in the audience and watch Grace come on late because her costume wasn’t changed in time.

Well before the practice even started on Thursday, Michal’s mom(Michal is the girl who plays Grace), I think her name is Becky, came up to me, wondering if there was any chance (no pressure!) I would be willing to watch the show Sunday instead of Friday. That would give me one practice and two shows to train someone new in.

I had to check with my Mom to make sure it was ok with her, and make sure i could get my tickets transferred, but otherwise I was totally fine with it. It made me feel needed, and reduced the stress of training in a new person.

But who would do Grace’s changes for me? Marcy had volunteered, I heard, but she was acting in a few scenes and doing the curtain and a billion other things. She takes so much on herself. So we searched for someone else, and finally got the lady who plays Lilly to do it.

Everything was all fine and dandy, until I got to the show Friday. First Katie talked to me, telling me how bad she felt that I had to switch my night just because she couldn’t do the changes.

I assured her that that wasn’t the case, of course. But then Marcy came up to me, and she was just ticked. Not at me, but at the fact that someone had dared to ask me to change my night.

I honestly didn’t get it. It wasn’t a big deal. But Marcy seemed very upset at Michal and Becky. Which really kind of upset me cause I didn’t think they did anything wrong.

Anyway, later Marcy seemed to imply that she was a bit hurt by the fact that we had chosen someone else over her to change Grace (only still, she implied that it was Michal and Becky’s fault, not mine, which was odd).

I don’t know what all was going on, but it was a lot of drama over nothing.

Every time I get ready to move I just don’t really feel like writing about it. It’s looking like I’ll move back to Oregon. Not for sure yet, just looking that way, since finding a job for me here seems impossible. And I, in the worst way, don’t want to go back, which is terribly selfish. If they want me to come home, I will, simple as that. I wish I could just do it happily. Why was it so easy to leave, and so hard to go back? It makes no sense. I love everyone back home. I don’t get it, but that’s the way it is.